Reacting vs Responding
This quote is part of a larger quote about the power of our attitudes, which we have complete control over, as a way to manage that which we don’t have control over, which is just about everything else. This principle can be applied to many facets of our lives, but in this instance it is from the framework of the parent-child relationship.
How do I know if I am reacting or responding?
Reacting implies an automatic, impulsive or knee jerk reaction. If we are talking brains, this is happening in the limbic system, or our feeling brain, and there is likely to be a scant amount of logic present when reacting.
Reacting usually makes us feel bad afterwards. Did you lose your temper and yell? Did you say something hurtful or unkind? Did you snap in a way that wasn’t helpful in the situation? Most of us have been there as parents, but as they say, recognizing we have a problem is half the battle. Once we recognize when we are reacting to our child’s thoughts, feelings or behaviors, we can choose to respond instead. Responding happens when we take a moment for our pre-frontal cortex, or thinking brain, to catch up and help us use logic to handle the situation in the most effective way.
When we react instead of responding, we unwittingly teaching children to be more reactive, impulsive and dysregulated
Many parents who often react when they should be responding, are confused about their child’s behaviors at home, school, with siblings, friends or parents. Our children are little mirrors and whatever we project, we’re going to get right back. Knowing, and really understanding that, helps to give you the power to stop and think about what you are trying to teach, help solve, or reinforce in that moment.
Self Regulation- Checking In With Ourselves
Pausing to check in with yourself- self regulating- before responding consistently will help create a secure parent-child relationship through all daily challenges we face. One of the simplest, and somehow hardest to master, is just to take several deep breaths, 10-15 seconds, before answering or responding to your child. This will take practice, but the more you do it, the easier it will get. We do this so our thinking brain can catch up, and also to calm our autonomic nervous system which is responding to that unresolved emotion you have as if it were real and present danger.
We can also learn to identify what our children’s behaviors may really mean. All behavior is information. Get curious about what is going on “behind the scenes”. How is this behavior-albeit negatively-be trying to meet a need that they have? How can we help meet that need and guide them towards better choices they can make for themselves in the future?
Practical Tips
Ask Open-ended questions:
Instead of yes/no questions, use “why,” “how,” “what,” and “when” to encourage detailed explanations from the child.
- “Why did you choose to play with that toy today?”
- “How did you feel when your friend took your toy?”
- “What were you thinking when you decided to do that?”
- “Can you tell me more about what happened earlier?”
- “What could you have done differently in that situation?”
Approach with Non-judgmental attitude:
Approach the conversation with curiosity and a desire to learn, avoiding accusatory language or assumptions about the child’s intentions.
- “I wonder why that happened?”
- “What other option could you have chosen?”
Active listening:
Pay close attention to the child’s verbal and nonverbal cues, and respond with empathy and understanding.
- Maintain eye contact
- Put away distractions (phones, laptops)
- Refrain from interrupting
Reflecting back:
Summarize what you heard the child say to ensure you understand their perspective correctly.
Through developing these skills the benefit to our children cannot be overstated. Taking time to respond and improving communication will help build a stronger parent-child connection, help promote self awareness so they are able to reflect on their own actions and understand their emotions, and can help reveal underlying concerns or challenges that may need further support.
